Second Marriages — How To Protect Your Children And Deal With Your Ex

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After a divorce, your relationship with your former spouse may be very fragile, particularly if you are sharing parenting duties. Adding a new relationship to the mix can send a precarious situation over the edge in a hurry. Jealousy, however irrational, often causes a former partner to suddenly become uncooperative when it’s time to discuss pick-up arrangements or vacation schedules. You may worry about what’s happening behind your back. And the situation often gets much worse when your new relationship turns serious. So, if you are getting remarried, how can you protect your children and maintain a functional relationship with your ex?

“Every situation is different, of course, but we can offer some suggestions based on the successes — and failures — we’ve seen in our law practice,” says Britney Harrison, an attorney and partner with the family law firm of Calabrese Budner.

Make Sure Your Children Understand What is Happening

Just as children can be confused about what’s going on during the divorce process, they can also misunderstand the situation when you remarry. They may feel like you are trying to replace their other parent. Or if your new partner has kids, the children from your earlier relationship may feel that they are the ones being replaced. You need to make sure your children understand that while your new marriage may add people to their lives, it will not take away any relationships. Reassure them they will always be your children, and you will do nothing to diminish their relationship with your former partner. Reinforce that message by remaining positive any time you refer to your ex — even if you have to exercise your best acting skills to do so. For example: “Attending parent-teacher conferences together, if possible, can show a united front and demonstrate to your child the joint commitment to their education,” Harrison says.

Protect Your Children with a Marital Agreement

Both practically and symbolically, a pre- or postnuptial agreement offers an effective way to protect the interests of your children when you remarry. You can specify that your children will receive certain legacy property, preserving their position in the family. A prenuptial agreement can prevent children from being left out of a future inheritance or losing heirloom property in a divorce.

Schedule Co-Parenting Communications with Your Ex

Establishing regular times of communication can help when dealing not only with a former spouse but also with your children. With your former partner, scheduling a weekly call, email, or text at a regular time provides a structured opportunity to address ongoing concerns as well as special issues that arise. When a call or message is expected, it’s less likely to come across as a threat or accusation and less likely to provoke a defensive response. Keep the conversation centered around the needs and well-being of your children. Avoid dragging personal issues or conflicts into discussions about parenting. Focus on finding common ground and working together as co-parents. “Some couples find it helpful to have a family law attorney draw up an agreement establishing boundaries for communications,” Harrison says.

Understand Your Co-Parenting Dynamics

Your custody agreement may address specific communication provisions or restrictions between your children and their other parent during visitation. If so, it is important to follow them accordingly. If the relationship between your children and their other parent is positive and healthy, maintaining communication during visitation can contribute to their overall well-being. Strive for a balance in frequency and duration that works for your children without disrupting the time they spend with you. However, if there are concerns about your ex’s behavior or if communication negatively impacts your children’s emotional state, it may be necessary to reassess the arrangement with a family lawyer who can provide guidance specific to your situation.

Honor Your Children’s Important Holiday Traditions and Celebrations

When blending families, your children’s needs should remain a top priority. A new marriage is a big change for children, and allowing them to keep some of the same traditions and customs may help ease the transition. “Although the family code provides standard ways to alternate the holidays, including on your child’s birthday, families are not limited to those constraints. We work with our clients to help maintain a balance of embracing former tradition while allowing the opportunity to create new ones with your blended family,” Harrison says. If your former spouse and current spouse have a healthy relationship, consider hosting joint celebrations for your child’s birthday or even for the holidays. Use a shared calendar or co-parenting app to keep everyone informed about important dates, school events, soccer games, etc. This can help minimize last-minute changes or conflicts that may arise.

Custom Solutions to Protect Your Family

As you enter a new marriage relationship, it’s crucial to ensure that your arrangements for parenting time and support provide the stability that your family needs to move forward on positive footing. Understand that circumstances may change over time, and what worked in the past may need adjustments. “If you need to negotiate new agreements, petition for new arrangements, enforce existing obligations with your former spouse, or if you want to protect your children with a pre-or postnuptial agreement, our experienced team of lawyers would be happy to help,” Harrison says.

To learn more about Calabrese Budner and their expertise, visit calabresebudner.com or call 214-939-3000.