Is It Cheating If You Never Meet — Instagram Flirting and Where to Draw the Line According To The Modern Advice Column

Editor’s Note: Welcome to the third edition of Wit & Wisdom, PaperCity’s regular advice column that knows life’s questions rarely come with easy answers — but they could all use a sprinkle of sass and a dash of reality. Think of this as your regular dose of real talk, a nudge in the right direction or just the honest advice you’d get from that one auntie who’s seen it all.

From every soap opera to telenovela, we’ve learned exactly what cheating looks like in a relationship. He’s got a secret wife and a six-year-old son in México, ¡qué horror! She’s having midday trysts with the gardener in the pool house, ¡Dios mío! When someone’s someone is putting their mouth on someone else, it’s clear as day to us that someone’s cheating.

But what about when it’s not that cut and dry? When no fluids have been exchanged, no bodices have been ripped, no one has discovered a passionate confession of forbidden love — because they haven’t even met in person?

That’s what this month’s letter writer wants to know.

Dear Wit & Wisdom,

I’m a married man, successful in my career and I have and get the things I want in life. I wouldn’t call myself a cheater, but I do enjoy a good flirt — especially online. I’ve been married for seven years, and while I love my wife, I can’t deny that the routine of marriage has settled in. Meanwhile, online there’s always something new, something exciting.

It started as harmless interactions on Instagram. A like here, a comment there. Then I started following more women who caught my eye — you know, fitness influencers, hyper-feminine girls, pretty acquaintances from years ago. At first, it was just watching their stories, occasionally sending a reaction. But eventually, some of them responded, and the casual exchanges turned into regular back-and-forth conversations. I tell myself it’s all in good fun. I don’t send anything explicit, I don’t make plans to meet up and I definitely don’t consider it cheating. It’s just a little harmless entertainment, right?

Still, I do wonder. I keep my phone angled away when I check messages around my wife. I don’t mention these interactions to her, even when a woman I’ve been chatting with posts something funny or interesting.

She hasn’t said anything directly, but she has made a few off-hand comments about the types of accounts I follow. Once, she even asked, “Who is this?” when she noticed a name she didn’t recognize in my notifications. I brushed it off and told her it was an old coworker, but it left me uneasy.

I guess my question is, where is the line? If I have no intention of ever acting on it, am I doing something wrong? Or is this just a natural way to keep things interesting when life starts to feel predictable?

—Flirting But Faithful

Dear Flirting But Faithful,

Ready for me to show you some brand new sights? Buckle up. We’re going for a cruise down Fidelity Lane, and it might be a bumpy ride.

You say you’re not a cheater and you don’t consider these online conversations “cheating,” right? Well, why not? What’s your definition of “cheating”? Because cheating doesn’t have to be sucking face with your secretary at the dive bar near your office after-hours. Cheating is anything — anything — that violates the trust in your relationship. And the way you describe it, this isn’t just doling out a few likes when a bouncy butt in yoga pants pops up during an idle scroll.

You’re interacting. That’s deliberate.

If It’s Nothing, Why Hide It?

To top it off, you’re hiding it from your wife — and lying about it. You turn your screen away from her when she’s around. When she asked you point-blank about a strange notification, you fibbed. Hell, you wrote to me, which means you must not feel that good about what you’re doing. So if it’s truly nothing, why are we here?

OK OK, I’ll call off the inquisition. I’m not trying to get you to cower in shame (although if you do, that’s probably useful, too). But I want you to be honest with yourself. The script you’re sticking to in order to justify your DM darlings ignores a key relationship tenet: Trust.

You say you love your wife. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. But here’s the thing: Love and trust aren’t the same. If she knew the full extent of your online dalliances, would she still trust you? Or would she feel hurt? Would you be OK if she were doing the same thing — having furtive, flirtatious chats with shirtless men sporting abs you could grate cheese on? (I hope you’re picturing that.)

I think you get it.

Time for a Reality Check

I believe that any act that undermines a relationship’s foundation is an opportunity to examine the underlying motivations. And from there, the solution presents itself. So let’s clear up this conundrum using another basic relationship tenet: Communication.

One way to make sure you’re both on the same page about what constitutes cheating — and if your Instagram activity qualifies — is to talk about it. Novel, right? But if you’ve never discussed what counts as cheating in your marriage, you don’t actually know.

People assume the line is universal, but it isn’t. I know the phrase “open relationship” is being force-fed to everyone these days, but monogamous couples could learn a thing or two from them. One of the most underrated practices of open relationships is the clear boundary setting. Whether it’s disclosures, intimacy limits, emotional and physical expectations or frequency, these rules require couples to get on the same page.

Some couples have strict boundaries, while others have more fluid ones. Either way, these agreements define what works for them. When you don’t explicitly set those boundaries, you risk stumbling upon them by accident — or pretending you don’t know where they are. Ahem.

Go On, Dig Deeper

More importantly, communicate with yourself, too. Ask yourself why you’re doing this. Are you bored? Feeling unappreciated? Chasing validation? If your marriage has fallen into a routine, what are you doing to fix that besides turning to girlies on the ‘gram?

I don’t hate to break it to you, because if your relationship is monogamous, betraying your partner’s fidelity isn’t a natural way to keep things interesting when life gets predictable. That’s pickleball or trips to the Maldives or remote-controlled vibrating butt plugs, not betraying the vows you took to respect your partner. Unless you’ve agreed to open up the relationship (which is a discussion, not an assumption), seeking attention from other women and being dishonest about it isn’t how you do a marriage.

At the end of the day, you don’t need me to tell you where the line is. You already know. If you’re angling your phone away, keeping conversations to yourself and questioning your own behavior, you’ve already crossed it. The real question is: What are you going to do about it?

Until next time, be wise and wonderful,
W&W

I have no boundaries and I promise to communicate with you honestly. Are we in an open relationship now? You should email me at witwisdomadvice@gmail.com and we’ll get on the same page. Not ready for the emotional intimacy? Catch up on my January and February advice columns and vow you’ll be a fan ’til death do us part.