Billy Fong
- Posted:
- August 31, 2012
To quote the brilliant ‘80s rappers PM Dawn, “Reality used to be a friend of mine.” As my acquaintances can attest, my life is filled with fantasy moments — hours are spent daydreaming on the treadmill, since it seems gyms only subscribe to ESPN. My marching orders this month were to recast classic films with my dream cast of socials. My tastes tend to run to unique, highly stylized movies such as ‘80s John Hughes brat-pack fare, early James Bond and über-chic Fellini flicks. I die every time I see the opening shot of La Dolce Vita, which begins with Italian babes sunning on a rooftop and then jumping up to wave at the statue of Christ being flown over the city via helicopter.
After much thought, I realized that some of my choices were landmines waiting to explode. Everyone would want to be Claire Standish, Molly Ringwald’s character in The Breakfast Club. Her outfit should be next to Fonzie’s in the Smithsonian. However, Molly isn’t looking so glamorous these days. So I decided to imagine local socials in roles created by Ian Fleming — perhaps the greatest compliment I can give.
The number one, of course, is Pussy Galore. Played by Honor Blackman in Goldfinger, I can only suggest Cindy Rachofsky. Really, need I say more? If Mrs. Rachofsky had not found herself as an art-world powerhouse, she could have just as easily had her own flying, cat-burglarizing circus. Who knows, perhaps Howard Rachofsky is the perfect Auric Goldfinger?
I cast Capera Ryan as Solitaire in Live and Let Die. The role put Jane Seymour on the map. So easy to picture Capera with a great up-do of barrel curls, sitting in a high-backed wicker chair in New Orleans, reading tarot cards. All styled brilliantly with one of her chic jeweled cocktail rings to complement her tunic.
Suzanne Droese is most definitely Octopussy. Who didn’t love Maude Adams as the daughter of a scientist who was a leading authority of octopi? If you can’t have a flying circus à la Pussy Galore, then have a team of female assassins whose cover is that of a circus troupe. All amongst the backdrop of incredible Indian architecture. So Suzanne.
My confidante at Barneys, Havilah Bender, would be A View To A Kill’s May Day. With her cutting-edge glamour often made complete by a faux-hawk in a brilliant shade, she could wear a leather suit and bust an acrobatic judo move, all with Grace Jones’ aplomb.
When considering two of the greatest Bond roles of all time — the quintessential villains Bambi and Thumper in Diamonds Are Forever — I would like you, dear readers, to help me cast. The two assassins were in charge of keeping Willard Whyte hostage in a flawless example of Palm Springs mid-century modern architecture. So, if you think you know their local alter egos, please pop me an e-mail. Our threesome would be the perfect addition to any fall party — especially if we pull up in a vintage car with suicide doors and Shirley Bassey’s Goldfinger blaring. Billy Fong, billy@papercitymag.com
IMAGES:
Capera Ryan is Solitaire
Havilah Bender channels May Day
Suzanne Droese is like this with Octopussy
Cindy Rachofsky rocks Pussy Galore
Thumper and Bambi in Diamonds are Forever